Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
