Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
