margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just had sex bonerless
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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