If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
