I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
