thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
