I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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