Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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