i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
