My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
