I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
