the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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