The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
