Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
