You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
