A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize