She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
