Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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