If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
