just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
