I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
