I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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