ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
You can't motorboat a personality
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
