Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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