I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
