he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
