finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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