Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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