i don't like sucking hair
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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