True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
