And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
