i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
