Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
