this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize