but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
