My cat gives me a boner
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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