the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
