My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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