walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
