I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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