Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
