My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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