You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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