my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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