I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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