so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
