I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
