apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
