remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
