Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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