i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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