Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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