How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize