sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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