Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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