News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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