nut hugger
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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